The other day I saw an email from The Bump.com about the top 10 new daddy fears. After reading this article, I found myself gravitating to one particular fear in general, Fear # 8: Not being a good father. This is a very real fear for me and it's one that I'm scared to death about.
I know I wrote a few weeks ago about the gravity setting in about being a parent and what's at stake but I just can't shake the fear of being a bad father and it's getting stronger and stronger as time goes by. There are situations currently in my life that make me second guess myself and just how good of a father I'll be. I feel at times that who I am, what I do, my intentions, etc. are questioned and I'm afraid of carrying all that into the next stage of my life, fatherhood. I'm trying everything I can to block out the negative self talk, the expectations of others, the doubt, and the pressure that I feel. I'm trying to prepare myself the best way that I can and step up to the challenge but I am worried that my past experiences and failures and the fear of the unknown will determine my future success.
I have been looking back at my life lately and there are many times where I can see that I have failed and fallen short of expectations set by myself or even others. I'm human, we all are. We all make mistakes, do stupid things, say stupid things, act in questionable ways however, I feel like you can forgive yourself and be forgiven, then recover and move on from that in one way or another most of the time. I couldn't however, forgive or be forgiven if I failed at being a good dad. I'm afraid that I'll wind up blowing it through bad decisions, not having a clue as to what I'm doing, continuing to make the same mistakes over and over again, or even due to the family environment that she'll be raised in. I'm afraid of things like that having a negative affect on my daughter and on who she'll be when she grows up. It would be devastating. Again, there have been many times where I screwed up things in my life however, that was my life. Screwing up my child's life and failing as a father would be the worst thing I could imagine. I didn't have a perfect family or perfect parents growing up but, I want to make sure that I give my daughter everything positive and good that I was fortunate to have. I want to take all the good stuff from my parents and myself and pass that on to her. I want her to say when she's older that, while I may not have been a perfect father, I did my best and was a good one overall. I want her to say that, I want her mother to say that, and I want my family and friends to say that. I don't want to be a failure at being a good dad for her.
I found this video and I thought it went well with this post. It actually made me feel a little more at ease.